• I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

• I decided to take up speed walking. I’ve broken two traffic laws already.

• What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. (Gotta watch that carb intake!)

• A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

• I don’t exercise because I always regret it. I’m trying to eliminate regrets from my life.

• My therapist told me I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

• I’ve been trying to eat healthier. So far, I’ve had to throw away almost all of my groceries.

• I tried to make a beauty appointment with the moon, but it was full.

• Did you hear about the new lipstick? It’s so bright, it’s a shade above the rest!

• I tried to buy a new mirror, but they were sold out. I guess I’ll just have to reflect on my purchase later.

• Why did the cucumber blush? Because it saw the salad dressing! (A healthy choice, of course.)

• I asked my manicurist for a complicated design. She said, “Don’t worry, I can nail that.”

• Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because it felt crumby!

• I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes. So he gave me a big hug.